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文章分享 yang - 最新訊息 | 2022-03-15 | 點閱數: 1422

小五時媽媽離家出走,只有缺錢才會回家騙爸爸的錢;家裡四個小孩在二十五歲前沒一個是好孩子。曾經,李崇建恨了媽媽二十年,直到三十二歲學了心理諮商,因為一份畫家庭圖的作業,才與媽媽展開和解…

小學五年級,我媽媽就和她的朋友離家出走。在此之前,她常帶一些我認為不男不女的朋友回家,抽菸、喝酒。我和媽媽說:「你都帶壞朋友回家。」她卻劈頭打我,還把我關到頂樓的房間。

一個下著滂沱大雨的夜晚,媽媽又晚歸,爸爸冒雨出門找她,就在我擔心著爸爸會不會被車撞死的同時,他帶著爛醉的媽媽回家了。不醒人事的媽媽不斷的嘔吐,三個小孩哭著跪在她面前,只有我待在房間裡。三弟來敲門:「我們都在外面求媽媽不要再這樣了,大哥你也來跪著好不好?」我只有一句話:「我睡著了。」可是我很清醒,對著牆壁告訴自己:「我不認這個媽媽。」

我從今以後就是不要這個媽媽。但爸爸一直不死心,他拖了十二年才離婚。即使因為我和媽媽的朋友嗆聲,她朋友找了剛出獄的殺手到我家來殺我;即使媽媽只有缺錢才會回來騙錢,爸爸還是要這婚姻。我很生氣,勸他離婚,爸爸卻說:「家就是要大家聚在一起。無論她做什麼,她還是你媽,我會把她拉回家來。」爸爸是戰亂時代的人物,他在大陸還有個大老婆,在大陸的哥哥今年都七十多歲了。他對媽媽的執著讓我覺得他很沒用。

教育家爸爸與問題孩子們

爸爸是教育工作者,在我青少年時期,卻要面對校長的質疑:「你是輔導主任,孩子卻這麼差勁,你是怎麼教的?」爸爸只好把我轉學。我也想當個好孩子,不是我不願意,而是我沒有能力。我覺得我很邊緣,常常沮喪、失望,但是又充滿力量,精神狀態就是走在邊邊。

我們家有四個孩子,在二十五歲前沒一個是好孩子。我是老大,扮演家庭拯救者的角色,會管教弟弟妹妹。我自己不念書,卻逼著妹妹背唐詩;我跑出去玩,卻不准弟弟出去玩;我會打二弟,打不過他,就不理他。

我二十三歲才上大學,在這之前,我做過泥水匠、貨櫃搬運工。三弟念高職時,兩大過、兩小過,警告無數支。我爸爸常說:「心都被劈裂了。」我也很痛苦,常想著,如果當年不是媽媽這樣,我們家應該會很好,想到媽媽,心裡有很多的憤怒。

而我和爸爸也處不好。我從小沒過過生日,爸爸總說,我們窮人家不過生日。可是在我二十歲那天,他幫我買了個蛋糕。你知道嗎,一個從來不敢接受愛的孩子,當爸爸突然給了我關懷時,我卻彆扭起來:「我不要,為什麼要給我買蛋糕?」莫名其妙的彆扭,蛋糕我一口都沒吃,大門一甩,就離家了。

我渴望又討厭人家愛我。愛那麼溫暖,為什麼不願意靠近?因為我在冰冷的環境太久了。突然把我放在溫暖的場域裡,不是我不要,而是我不習慣。

媽媽的離家,讓我的內心一直很孤獨,我曾經想像過這樣的畫面:當我覺得孤單時,媽媽跑來緊緊抱住我。但是當我看到別人的媽媽抱著小孩,我會哭,非常的難過,那是失去媽媽的人共有的哀傷。

三十二歲時,任教的中學派我去上薩提爾諮商課程。當時我對心理諮商很反感,總覺得心理學就是去刺探別人心裡的缺憾。可是當天去上課,我就被震撼:看到諮商老師的寬宏和關懷,不逃避也不指責的說話方式。我全身激動的顫抖,原來有人可以這樣說話。

我決定去學心理諮商,當時全部的存款只有二十多萬,我就領了六萬元去學。兩年時間,每個月到成功大學和精神科醫師、社工師談話,在談話過程中,我已經可以理解我媽。我的心被打開,可以自覺自己的難過、失落和遺憾,我有能力檢查這些情緒從何而來。

找到家庭圖的最後一塊拼圖

在諮商課程中有個作業要畫家庭圖,所以我打電話給媽媽。她離開家二十年,我第一次主動和她聯繫,聽到我的聲音,她很訝異。

那通電話講了三小時,就從了解家族開始。因為學了諮商,我對媽媽的態度改變了,不再帶著質問與質疑,她的火氣也就沒那麼大。她提到正在做義工,幫助弱勢家庭的往生者洗大體,因為她要贖罪。我好難過,告訴她,雖然我不認同她過去的做法,但我不認為她有罪,請她不用太苛責自己,「我很尊敬我們能一路走過來,直到現在。」她在電話那頭哭了,並且向我道歉。

我甚至告訴她,我欣賞她,因為一路走來,在那樣艱難的處境裡,不管她喜不喜歡,她仍以這樣的形式活著。

我是從「人的需求」這個點來理解媽媽,嫁給我爸時她才十九歲,夫妻相差二十幾歲,一個年輕少女的生命是不是有個很大的區塊沒有被滿足?我也發現,父親雖然很好,卻很傳統,一個年輕的生命嫁給我父親,沒有什麼娛樂,這件事對我母親也許不公平。

轉個念,我走出傷痛,和媽媽和解。今年過年,照例全家會先到親媽家送紅包,再回家和爸爸及後媽一起圍爐。我終於可以享受得來不易的家庭關係。


作者簡介|李崇建

東海大學中文系畢業,曾任體制外中學教師七年,目前於千樹成林、快雪時晴創意作文任教,並於「長耳兔心靈維度」舉辦工作坊。出版著作十餘本,內容關於小說、教育、閱讀、寫作與古典詩詞教育。現任台中曉明女中特約作家、南投佳音英語、新加坡耕讀園、馬來西亞薩提爾全人發展協會、馬來西亞德信中學、香港自然學校……等多家機構顧問。

(本文轉載自「親子天下」)

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